Seeking cold comfort

Gazillions have been spent on the exploration of Mars but, sadly, we’re no closer to a cure for the common cold.

SINCE 2004, two automated motor vehicles from the US National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) have been checking out the surface of the Mars for clues about past water activity, at a total cost of about US$900mil (RM2.7bil). And since 20:04 last Monday, I’ve been suffering from a sore throat, red eyes and a nose that drips like a leaky tap.

I think it’s odd that mankind can send two rovers to Mars to gather information about a planet that is way too cold and doesn’t have enough oxygen to support human life, but they can’t find a cure for the common cold.

As I try to control a chronic cough that makes me sound like a seal, I don’t give a toss about what happened a gazillion years ago on a far-flung planet. Ask the unemployed, or the homeless, or the terminally ill what they think of the Mars rovers (one of which has a dodgy wheel and has apparently been stuck on sandy ground for two years) and they’re likely to tell you that they don’t care what’s happening beyond their own problems.

Right about now would be a good time for NASA to decommission their space toys, turn off their satellite devices and move onto a cause that can benefit mankind more – like coming up with a pill that cold sufferers can pop at the first sign of a shiver, sniffle or tickly throat. But no. They’re currently making plans to send another much bigger rover to Mars at a cost of about US$2.5bil (RM7.5bil). If all those resources were channelled into finding a cure for what presently ails me instead of sending a mini truck into outer space, I’m sure we’d all be a lot happier and a lot more productive.

I know space exploration can benefit mankind in a number of different ways, but it’s of little comfort to me here on planet Earth, where my body is being invaded by alien life-forms that are making my life miserable.

The way things are going, man will have established a colony on Mars and I will still be suffering from a cold every so often. Indeed, my dripping nose will probably prevent me from getting on the inaugural spaceship that guarantees travellers a safe passage to a virus-free life. I mean to say, it wouldn’t do for me to wipe out the last few remaining Martian microorganisms that have been around for billions of years just by coughing on them.

While I was Googling the latest NASA shenanigans on Mars, a friend called and recommended an over-the-counter cold remedy. I laughed. Or at least, I tried to laugh. But I suspect it sounded more like a rattling wheeze.

You see, in my experience, cold remedies don’t work. In the past, I’ve been responsible for helping to sustain the billion dollar cold remedy industry, without receiving any relief for my money. Many cold cures claim to rid you of your cold or flu in seven to 10 days with a couple of tablets the size of a horse suppository. Oddly enough, this is the usual length of time it will take you to recover if you do nothing more than stay at home with a box of tissues and watch the “highlights” of seven years of Mars exploration on the TV.

If you still want to waste your money on a cold remedy, remember to read the small print on the label before consuming it. Many so-called cures can make you drowsy, and are therefore not recommended for anyone who may be driving a car or operating equipment more dangerous than an electric toothbrush.

“The first few doses cause the most sleepiness; subsequent doses are usually less troublesome,” says an online health information site.

Makes you wonder about subsequent, subsequent doses. You should be aware that it’s easy to become addicted to some cough syrups. One minute you’re coughing your lungs up and the next you’re in some back alley glugging down a couple of bottles of cough syrup at a time. So go easy.

Right about now, I would love to take a day or two off to recover from my cold, but I can’t. As a self-employed writer, it’s almost impossible to spend too much unplanned time away from my keyboard without my clients getting upset. I can call them up and sneeze and cough violently down the line, but they’re likely to ignore my subtle hints.

Maybe life would be better on another planet. Cough, splutter, sneeze ...