The couples race to their canoes

Last Week on Love in the Wild: Bats, broken bridges and some real brats emerged. Ben and Brandee were mutually abusive, and liked it. Miles and Heather were cute to each other, and liked it. Peter (surfer) and Vanessa (soul-sucker) were eliminated.

Tonight on Love in the Wild: Only two words really matter: SNAKE. ISLAND. Other than that (like anything else could compare!): More stupidity. It's been three weeks, so hopefully some sex? Definitely laughs. Let's go!

Sexy Status Report: Kym is excited to be partners with Steele, and "desperately" wants it to work out. Ladies, always make sure to use THAT word as often as possible! Heather feels "ripped away" from Miles by Chinstrap, because that's exactly what happened, King Kong style. Erica is always annoying, but tonight she's annoying Miles, her new partner who wishes he was with Heather. Sam feels like her bond with Mike is solid like a rock, which means it will end up being the Bluth version of "solid as a rock." Skip and Theresa are hump-kissing in the bed, and we get to watch, because this is America and 2011 and this is what we do now. Pain-loving Brandee makes birthday boy Ben breakfast in bed, and he says, "This smells like sh*t!" Ben is the worst and I wish it was the OPPOSITE of his "birth"-day, if you get my drift.

group-snakeisland.JPGTHE CHALLENGE: The smaller guy from Flight of the Conchords explains that each team gets a map and a canoe, with which they must travel to "Snake Island," where they must retrieve a VIP crate from beneath a writhing orgy of evil snakes. What's in the crate? DON'T ASK QUESTIONS, SINGLETONS. JUST GO GET IT. (It's drugs.) Why is it called Snake Island? Because SNAKES, DUH! (It's snakes on drugs.)

The couples race to their canoes. Kym and Steele are "like a rowing team," according to Kym. Jason, once again, sucks at anything that requires physical exertion, and Baby Jessica is noticing. Heather secretly hopes Miles wins so he can have first pick this week, and they can get back together. Miles is doing his best, thanks to all the training he's had rowing those 10,000 lakes, but Erika's arms are like if you dipped baby arms in cupcake batter. Mike and Sam are feeling the sting of failure for the first time since they arrived in the wild, and it hurts Sam's big, sensitive eyebrows.