Dear Dr. Peg,
Recently my girlfriend was diagnosed with genital herpes. I have been with her for three years and neither of us has ever had herpes. Does this mean she cheated on me? And if I wear a condom, can I keep from getting it from her?
Dear sir,
No, it doesn’t mean she cheated on you. And no, a condom probably won’t protect you.
When someone comes down with a sexually transmitted infection, the first thing they usually want to know is who gave it to them. Sometimes that question has an answer, and sometimes it doesn’t. With herpes, there is no playing the blame game.
Herpes is a sneaky little bugger that can hide out for years, unknown and unnoticed. When it finally rears its ugly little head, it can wreak havoc on relationships with suspicion and mistrust.
A little knowledge can go a long way toward mending strained romances, so here goes:
The word “herpes” comes from a Greek word pronounced (roughly) “herpestes,” which is an adjective meaning “creeping.”
In the first century, it was thought to be the result of the body attempting to get rid of “acrid waste matter” by pushing it to the surface in blisters which would then burst and drain out the nastiness.
We now know that these blisters are, in fact, caused by a virus, which has been named after that Greek adjective.
There are two types of herpes simplex viruses, Type 1 (HSV1) and Type 2 (HSV2). Usually HSV1 lives on the face and HSV2 lives on the genitals. However, herpes viruses are flexible and can take up residence in either location.
HSV1 is extremely common, affecting about one in four Americans.
It usually comes out as a cold sore, that oozing crusty thing people get at the edge of their lip. Many of us get exposed to this virus type as children, from other children or from smooching adults.
HSV2 is usually contracted sexually, through direct skin-to-skin contact with someone who has it. The problem is they might not know they have it. HSV can be a silent, symptom-free disease. This goes for Type 1 and Type 2. The other problem is that condoms don’t provide complete protection. Since the virus lives in the nerves, it can be passed through the skin wherever the nerves go.
Once you catch HSV, it either causes sores or it doesn’t. In either case, it proceeds to move in to your spinal nerves, where it lives happily ever after. It might emerge from time to time and cause a sore, or it might not.
You can pass it along when you have a sore, but you can also pass it along when you don’t. That’s the mystery and frustration of herpes.
After the first outbreak, further outbreaks tend to be much milder, and once you have one established herpes site on your body, it’s rare to develop another, probably because your immune system makes antibodies to the virus. Also, if you do have HSV1, you are less likely to catch HSV2.
There appears to be some cross-protection in the antibodies that are formed.
Another issue this brings up is how to handle herpes as a couple.
What do you do if one of you has it and the other doesn’t? How do you talk about this with a prospective partner?
The couples I’ve known who deal with herpes in the healthiest way are those who tell me, “We have herpes.” In other words, they see it as a shared problem. They don’t expend a lot of energy trying to prevent passing it to each other, or let it put a crimp in their sex life. Their love for each other and their desire to express that love sexually overrides their worry about contagion.
I’m not suggesting anyone blithely rub open sores all over their partner. It still makes sense to avoid contact with open sores, for comfort’s sake if nothing else. I’m just pointing out that, for the sake of your relationship, it makes sense not to obsess about it. And medically speaking, herpes is rarely a big deal.
If you have herpes and are starting a new relationship, I think it’s only fair to inform your prospective partner before you have sex.
Ideally, this won’t be on your first date, but when you are close enough emotionally to can talk freely about such things and figure out how you as a couple want to handle the situation.
This isn’t always easy, because our society still has lots of judgment and stigma around sex-related topics of any kind, and having a sexually transmitted infection can be emotionally upsetting.
If you need help, the medical practitioners and/or the counselors at the Student Health Center would be happy to meet with you and your partner to answer questions and help you discuss it together. Call 277-3136 for an appointment.
Peggy Spencer has been a UNM Student Health physician for 20 years. E-mail your questions to her directly at pspencer@unm.edu. All questions will be considered, and all questioners will remain anonymous. This column has general health information only and cannot replace a visit to a health provider.
Recently my girlfriend was diagnosed with genital herpes. I have been with her for three years and neither of us has ever had herpes. Does this mean she cheated on me? And if I wear a condom, can I keep from getting it from her?
Dear sir,
No, it doesn’t mean she cheated on you. And no, a condom probably won’t protect you.
When someone comes down with a sexually transmitted infection, the first thing they usually want to know is who gave it to them. Sometimes that question has an answer, and sometimes it doesn’t. With herpes, there is no playing the blame game.
Herpes is a sneaky little bugger that can hide out for years, unknown and unnoticed. When it finally rears its ugly little head, it can wreak havoc on relationships with suspicion and mistrust.
A little knowledge can go a long way toward mending strained romances, so here goes:
The word “herpes” comes from a Greek word pronounced (roughly) “herpestes,” which is an adjective meaning “creeping.”
In the first century, it was thought to be the result of the body attempting to get rid of “acrid waste matter” by pushing it to the surface in blisters which would then burst and drain out the nastiness.
We now know that these blisters are, in fact, caused by a virus, which has been named after that Greek adjective.
There are two types of herpes simplex viruses, Type 1 (HSV1) and Type 2 (HSV2). Usually HSV1 lives on the face and HSV2 lives on the genitals. However, herpes viruses are flexible and can take up residence in either location.
HSV1 is extremely common, affecting about one in four Americans.
It usually comes out as a cold sore, that oozing crusty thing people get at the edge of their lip. Many of us get exposed to this virus type as children, from other children or from smooching adults.
HSV2 is usually contracted sexually, through direct skin-to-skin contact with someone who has it. The problem is they might not know they have it. HSV can be a silent, symptom-free disease. This goes for Type 1 and Type 2. The other problem is that condoms don’t provide complete protection. Since the virus lives in the nerves, it can be passed through the skin wherever the nerves go.
Once you catch HSV, it either causes sores or it doesn’t. In either case, it proceeds to move in to your spinal nerves, where it lives happily ever after. It might emerge from time to time and cause a sore, or it might not.
You can pass it along when you have a sore, but you can also pass it along when you don’t. That’s the mystery and frustration of herpes.
After the first outbreak, further outbreaks tend to be much milder, and once you have one established herpes site on your body, it’s rare to develop another, probably because your immune system makes antibodies to the virus. Also, if you do have HSV1, you are less likely to catch HSV2.
There appears to be some cross-protection in the antibodies that are formed.
Another issue this brings up is how to handle herpes as a couple.
What do you do if one of you has it and the other doesn’t? How do you talk about this with a prospective partner?
The couples I’ve known who deal with herpes in the healthiest way are those who tell me, “We have herpes.” In other words, they see it as a shared problem. They don’t expend a lot of energy trying to prevent passing it to each other, or let it put a crimp in their sex life. Their love for each other and their desire to express that love sexually overrides their worry about contagion.
I’m not suggesting anyone blithely rub open sores all over their partner. It still makes sense to avoid contact with open sores, for comfort’s sake if nothing else. I’m just pointing out that, for the sake of your relationship, it makes sense not to obsess about it. And medically speaking, herpes is rarely a big deal.
If you have herpes and are starting a new relationship, I think it’s only fair to inform your prospective partner before you have sex.
Ideally, this won’t be on your first date, but when you are close enough emotionally to can talk freely about such things and figure out how you as a couple want to handle the situation.
This isn’t always easy, because our society still has lots of judgment and stigma around sex-related topics of any kind, and having a sexually transmitted infection can be emotionally upsetting.
If you need help, the medical practitioners and/or the counselors at the Student Health Center would be happy to meet with you and your partner to answer questions and help you discuss it together. Call 277-3136 for an appointment.
Peggy Spencer has been a UNM Student Health physician for 20 years. E-mail your questions to her directly at pspencer@unm.edu. All questions will be considered, and all questioners will remain anonymous. This column has general health information only and cannot replace a visit to a health provider.
One of the things that you should be aware of is that you are not alone. Millions of men and women have herpes. I have both forms of herpes I get an occasional outbreak on my lip and about once a year I have a genital herpes outbreak. http://www.HerpesLove.net is a great website that has made me whole again. I now have control of my condition and a great girlfriend. I now write articles in my spare about herpes. I think so many thousands of people are suffering alone the way I was and this is no way to go though life. Stop being depressed about it and take control of your dating life right now. Don't live another day feeling like no one will date you because of your condition. There are millions of people who will date you with your condition so you need to take your life back.
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